


The Mad Ones

by prinz_charlie



Category: Jagged Little Pill - Morissette & Ballard/Morissette/Cody
Genre: Angst, Canon LGBTQ Character, Cuddling, Depression, Feeling stuck, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Misgendering, Other, Road Trips, Tears, escaping, feeling the sweetness of freedom, i'll marry you if you get all the references, non-binary!jo, spoiler alert: there are a few complications before they run away, the mad ones, yes this is inspired by The Mad Ones so what
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23190307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prinz_charlie/pseuds/prinz_charlie
Summary: Bella is already depressed, but the more she thinks about the time after high school, the more depressed she gets, feeling stuck and like everything's closing in on her. Jo's mother keeps misgendering them, doesn't accept them, yells at them for their grades and makes Jo's life a living hell. Knowing that there is a way to make it stop, Jo and Bella decide to do the only thing they can do: They run away; go on a road trip; be free.akathe road trip fic
Relationships: Bella Fox/Jo, Frankie Healy & Jo, Frankie Healy & Phoenix
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	1. It starts as nothing

**Author's Note:**

> I'll marry you if you get the The Mad Ones references

Bella took a sip from the bitter, black coffee scrunching up her face a little. Only when she proceeded to shuffle down the hallway did the black gold, as she liked to call it, start doing its work and filled her with warmth for a few seconds. Enough to make her take another sip, blocking out the noises around her.

It was a Thursday. Only this day was left to defy before the sweet relief of Friday would wash over her. Friday’s were usually easier to bear. She had a free period and art class which she enjoyed more than she thought she would’ve when she had signed up for it. If she was honest, she had just been searching for something that would distract her without taking up too much space in her brain. She wasn’t ready to hurl herself into a pile of work to distract herself.

Eyes half-closed she took another sip, absentmindedly strolling down the corridor. Her first class was French. She hadn’t studied for the test on Monday, yet. She wasn’t intending to, anyways. Not that she had anything planned for the weekend like parties or going somewhere; she had developed the opinion that going out was overrated. It didn’t fill her with anything positive anymore. Didn’t make her smile or want to repeat it. Parties only exhausted her. Made her tired.

Tired.

That’s the emotion she felt most of the time. Not happy or joy-filled or exhausted or sad or even angry, no. Just tired. It was better than numbness, though. She had felt numb for months already, she knew the feeling of not feeling anything. She took feeling tired over anything.

The words of her French teacher sounded if anything like an alien-like language to her. Casually zoning out during French class – or any class at all really – had established itself into her daily routine. When she had noticed it starting she hadn’t payed attention to it, though. Not that she had payed attention to anything really. She wasn't capable of it.

Mindlessly scribbling down random thoughts that came to her mind and stupid drawings, she looked up at the board, faking attention. Her French teacher had given up on trying to get her to actively participate in class discussions.

The lesson was over more or less quickly, at least it felt like it. Everything felt like it was moving too fast and too slow at the same time.

She felt stuck.

Stuck in this endless cycle of waking up, doing homework, maybe eating, going to sleep and rinse and repeat. It never changed.

Only at lunch did she snap out of it. She was scrolling down her phone, mindlessly and appetiteless shoving a fork of salad into her mouth, forcing it down her throat.

It wasn’t always like this. On other days she ate lunch like everyone else and laughed and didn’t listen to music all the time to distract herself. But there were also bad days. Like this one.

“Sup?”, a voice asked behind her. She snapped out of it, spinning around, being met with a hoodie she knew all too well. Her gaze shot up, just in time to meet Jo’s eyes before they put down their lunch tray next to Bella’s. “Had a good day?”

Bella shrugged, her gaze falling down to her lunch again. “Dunno”, she murmured. “What about you?”

“You ok?”, Jo inquired, sitting down next to her, shoving a fork full of rice into their mouth and twisting it a little. “Having a bad day?”

“Kind of”, Bella answered. “But whatever, it’ll pass. How are you?”

“Lunch tastes like shit”, Jo stated, putting down their fork and taking a sip of coke from the bottle they had bought in the morning. Jo always bought either a bottle of coke or a bottle of iced tea in the morning, claiming that they needed the sugar to function. “That being said, Angie’s off her head again. It’s one of these weeks where even my clothes bother her.” As if on cue Jo’s phone vibrated in their pocket. They pulled it out, sighed annoyed and flipped it over, putting it down next to their lunch tray.

“That sucks”, Bella murmured, shooting Jo’s phone a look. “Is it her? Your mom?”

“Yeah”, Jo sighed. They looked down at their flipped-over phone for a second too long, before they shook their head, and brought their attention back to Bella. “Aren’t you going to eat anything else?”, they changed the subject. Bella yawned and leaned into Jo’s side, Jo instinctively putting a securing arm around her. “You feeling sick?”

Bella shook her head, closing her eyes. “Just tired.”

She hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep last night. Something had kept her awake, and even if she didn’t know what it was, she was sure that it wasn’t normal. At around 3 a.m. she had found herself starring out of the opened window, breathing in the cold night air and letting the breeze mess up her freshly washed hair. The stars were more endless than ever last night. She had felt lost.

Jo put a hand on Bella’s forehead. “Well, you’re not feeling warm, I’ll give you that.”

“Like I said, just tired.”

“Do you want me to come over after school?” Jo reached for Bella’s salad, continuing to eat that instead of their own rice.

“If you want to”, Bella shrugged.

“Wow, your enthusiasm is overwhelming, ok fine, I’ll go”, Jo said sarcastically, putting down the salad as well now, apparently having lost their appetite. They pushed a strand of hair out of Bella’s face, inspecting it for a clue about what was up with her. “Seriously, Bells, are you ok?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”, Bella murmured emotionless, closing her eyes.

“There’s no light in your eyes.”

Bella looked up from Jo’s shoulder, forcing her eyes open. “What?”

“When you’re ok, there’s this light in your eyes”, Jo explained. “Like yesterday. There was this light in your eyes when you were telling me about the documentary about tigers. Or a week ago when we were baking cookies together. But it isn’t there today.” Bella was already about to sit up, but Jo softly cupped Bella’s cheek and leaned her head against their shoulder again. “Besides, you’re barely speaking and nearly falling asleep sitting up”, they added lazily.

“Oh”, was all Bella managed to get out.

“So, do you want to talk about it?”

“Dunno”, Bella shrugged.

“Hey, what’s up with you two?” Phoenix put his lunch tray down on the opposite side of the table and sat down grinning widely.

“Sup, weather boy?”, Jo asked, shooting Phoenix’s lunch tray a look, rolling their eyes though, when they didn’t find anything remotely enjoyable on it.

“Seriously, what is up with you and nicknames?”, Phoenix said, taking a bite from the hamburger in front of him, putting it down immediately afterward. “Holy shit, this tastes disgusting.”

Frankie sat down next to him. “No wonder it does, there’s meat in there”, she said, pulling a paper bag with lunch out of her backpack.

“No, it’s because it’s school-food”, Phoenix deadpanned.

“I don’t like to admit it, but Chris is right”, said Jo, their arm still lain around Bella’s. “You’d like weed better, wouldn’t you?”

Bella laughed a little at Jo’s reference, burying her face in their shoulder.

“What does that mean?”, Phoenix asked, gesturing around confusedly.

Frankie gulped, nearly choking of laughter. “Nothing. Well, maybe it means that you shouldn’t eat meat and save a few animals.”

Jo looked down at Bella, who smiled a little pained smile. They blew a soft kiss to her forehead. Bella closed her eyes content, leaning into Jo a little more.

The rest of lunch flew by quickly, just as the rest of the school day. Bella managed to consider Jo coming over after school as a light flickering from the horizon. She only had to get to the horizon. On these kinds of days, she felt more stuck than usual. Even the walls of her room that normally was her sanctuary, like a cave no one knew of, closed in on her when she leaned over her laptop for the third time after staring out the window. The essay only needed to be finished until the end of next week, but it had to have around ten pages, while Bella only had written one and a half so far.

She couldn’t believe that this was what people wanted to continue doing after they had finished high school. College was nothing less than high school with more alcohol, living alone and more depression. She didn’t want to work on the same things that didn’t interest her for another four years.

Thinking of the time after high school sent her into a spiral again, anxiety building up in her gut. It was February of her senior year and she still didn’t have a plan - had only sent a few half drippy applications to colleges that she could imagine studying art at after high school. It was the only thing she cared enough about to pursue it as a career. She hadn’t gotten an answer yet.

Closing her eyes for a second her fingers hammered into the keyboard, creating probably senseless sentences, that, in the end, hopefully, would come together and build her essay.

Her phone buzzed next to her.

Thankful for the excuse to stop she picked it up, a message from Jo greeting her. She smiled a little weakly, unlocking her phone.

“Coming over in ten”, were the easy words that were enough to make the small smile on her lips a little bigger. Her answer consisted of a simple “Ok”. She leaned back, staring out of the window right at the wall her desk was standing at. Her desk was bending underneath all the school utensils it was packed with. Bella hadn’t had the energy to clean it up yet. She couldn’t bring herself to care.

She shivered. Hopefully, she wouldn’t get a cold - that was what she needed least of all right now. She put on a hoodie, leaving the hood to nearly cover her eyes. It was somewhat comforting. Her phone vibrated from her desk again and she didn’t even need to look at it to know that Jo had pulled into her driveway. They always texted her instead of using the doorbell.

Swiftly she stumbled down the stairs and welcomed Jo in. To her surprise, they wrapped her in her arms as soon as they had closed the door behind themself.

“Are you ok?”, Bella chuckled slightly, pulling back to look Jo in the eyes.

“Yeah, but you aren’t”, Jo stated, pulling back from the hug and putting an arm around Bella’s shoulders instead. “So, let’s do something you like.”

“I’m just having a bad day”, Bella shrugged it off. “It’s nothing to worry about.”

“Well, now I’m gonna worry a fortiori”, Jo said, pulling Bella a little closer. “I care about you, you should know that by now. Do you want to go up to your room?” They wiggled an eyebrow, shooting the living room a look as they already guided Bella towards the stairs. “Your parents aren’t at home?”

“They’re on a business trip until next week”, Bella explained startled.

“Oh.” Jo shrugged, proceeding to lead Bella to her room and sitting down on the couch as soon as they pulled the door closed behind themself. They took off their jacket, leaving them in their hoodie and reached their arms out for Bella, playfully encouraging her to come over. Bella followed them to the couch, sitting down next to them. “Did you already do the French assignment?”, Jo asked, putting an arm around Bella, their eyes pointing at the desk, where Bella’s French book was lying open as well.

Bella shook her head, cuddling into Jo’s side. “Tried and failed miserably.”

“Can’t blame you”, Jo murmured. “Is there anything you want to do?”

“Not really”, Bella said. “Maybe we could just do nothing? Just sit here and forget about everything for a few minutes.”

Jo blew a kiss to Bella’s forehead. “We could forget about everything forever”, they said. “Empty our minds and finally live as the idiots we truly are.”

Bella chuckled a little. “Sounds perfect.” She snuggled into Jo, wrapping her arms around their torso. “I like this”, she said silently. “Just spending time with you. It’s easy.”

“Me too. Wish we got to do it more often”, Jo hummed, leaning their chin against Bella’s head. “You feeling any better?”

“Dunno”, Bella answered honestly. “A little, maybe.”

“Ok.” Jo used the calmness of the moment to softly let their hand run Bella’s shoulder up and down. “We really oughta do this more often”, they murmured. “Even though I hate it when you’re not feeling ok, I love this.”

Bella smiled a little. “I love this, too. Did you know that you’re the only person who can make me smile on days like this one?”

“I didn’t”, Jo said astonished, absentmindedly reaching for the blanket behind them on the backrest. They put it over Bella, who cuddled into it. “You’re shivering, you know.”

“Didn’t notice”, Bella murmured honestly, pulling the blanket up to her chin.

“Are you sure you’re not running a fever?”, Jo questioned skeptically, feeling Bella’s forehead.

“Yeah, I’m just cold”, Bella shrugged. “It happens, on days like this. Don’t know why. I guess my brain’s too occupied with doing the easiest tasks correctly that it doesn’t really care about my body temperature.” She looked up at Jo, her head slipping into their warm lap that was ten thousand times more comfortable than any pillow could ever be.

Jo pushed a strand of hair out of Bella’s face. “Sick”, they mumbled.

“Can we just stay like this?”, Bella asked silently. “It’s easy. Staying like this just a little longer would be… really great.”

“Of course, we can, whatever you want.” Jo placed a kiss on Bella’s hair and leaned back again, letting their hand run through her hair. Bella turned around and cuddled into their torso, unaware of holding onto their hoodie to pull herself closer. Jo smiled at it.

With stiff shoulders Jo woke up, the warmth of Bella’s body sparing them the need of a blanket, they normally would wrap around themself right now, trying to fall back asleep. Their hand was still buried in Bella’s hair. Rolling their head back to stretch their neck, they carefully pulled out their phone from the pocket of their pants. It was only 10 p.m. Their phone had blown up with messages from their mom.

_Be home by nine, it’s a school night._

_Remember to work on that project._

_Don’t stay out too long, your grades are slipping._

_Where are you, Joanne?_

_Call me._

The chat showed the message of a missed voice call. Then another one.

_Call me._

Another missed voice call.

_You can’t keep going out and just coming home whenever you want to, you have a curfew!_

_Joanne, you come home right now or you’re going to be grounded._

Jo twisted their mouth as their stomach did a painful twist. They simply locked their phone and pocketed it again, banishing the messages to the back of their mind. Bella grumbled a little and readjusted her sleeping position, cuddling deeper into Jo, shivering once again under the already thick blanket.

“You can’t still be cold”, Jo mumbled caringly. “God, what’s happening with you, Bella?” Careful, so as not to wake Bella up they reached for their jacket that they had put down on the armrest of the couch and put it over Bella as an extra layer of warmth.

Their phone vibrated in their pocket again.

Already knowing what to expect they pulled it out of it and read the message.

_Joanne-_

Jo refused to read the rest of the message, immediately locking their phone again and letting it fall onto the couch. Not that answering now would make any difference anyway. Not that anything would make any difference anymore. What mattered right now, was this moment.

Bella pulled their jacket up to her face and Jo managed a weak smile. Bella truly was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to them. For a short moment, they managed to forget about their mother and their grades. For a short moment, everything was ok.

It wouldn’t stay this way for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tysm for reading, this is gonna be so much fun! i just love The Mad Ones and JLP soooo, yk, there are gonna be Many references in here. tysm for reading again and i'll read you next time!
> 
> hmu on tumblr (@haveuseenmylife) if you want to!


	2. Just a thought or a dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: misgendering, blood, panic attack

Jo had to practically tear their hands loose from the steering wheel. Sudden dizziness took the place of the clearness they had had while driving seconds ago. They put on their jacket, zipping it up all the way. In an attempt to hide even more, they put on the hood of their hoodie, as well as the one of their jacket, starring down to the ground all the way to the front door. They silently turned the key in the lock. They had stayed at Bella’s until a little after midnight when Bella had woken up. Jo made her promise that she would get changed and go to sleep again, so she wouldn’t feel absolutely whacked in school the next day before leaving. Something – Jo didn’t know what it was – made them worry about Bella more than they usually did. It was just something about her that was so off, that made Jo’s thoughts swirl as soon as they thought about her. And not in a good way. 

They wanted Bella to feel well. And they were willing to take on any yells from their mother if it meant that Bella was feeling better again. They were used to it anyways.

They took off their shoes, as their mother demanded ever since they could remember, and crept up the stairs. But halfway through the lights went on and turning around they found heir mother standing at the foot of the stairs, arms crossed in front of her chest. She was wearing sweatpants and a close-fitting shirt, her short, strawy, brown hair looking like she hadn’t washed it in days falling into her face. “You really thought I wouldn’t notice my daughter coming home at 2 am?”, she asked sarcastically.

Jo gulped, turning around but not moving a millimeter. “It’s barely past midnight”, they said through gritted teeth. “And I’m not your daughter.”

“Don’t you get started on this young lady. You know exactly when your curfew is, Joanne: 9 pm and not a second later”, Angie said, raising a warning finger as if she was talking to a kindergartener.

“We were doing schoolwork”, Jo lied. “We got lost working because the project has to be finished by tomorrow. We didn’t think of the time.”

Taken aback their mother silenced for a slim second that Jo used to walk up the stairs as quickly as possible. They just had to make it to their room.

“Show me!”, their mother demanded, the sheer undertone of victory in her voice. “Show me your project, Joanne.”

“I don’t have it. I forgot it at Bella’s house”, Jo lied, clenching their fists in the pockets of their pants. They weren’t proud of how easily lies slipped from their lips, but if they wanted to stay sane lying was the only thing they could do, wasn’t it?

“So, I’m assuming the name of your partner is Bella?”, their mother stated in an accusing tone. “You never tell me anything about your life, I don’t even know the names of your friends!”

“Because you don’t need to know them”, Jo snapped. Anger bubbled up in their chest.

“Oh, don’t take that tone with me, Joanne! I-“

“You don’t have to repeat this name all the time, I heard and understood you the first time.” Jo was shaking with anger now, turning around to face their mother again. What right did Angie have to treat them like this?

“Well, apparently I have to because you don’t seem to get it! You’re still running around telling people that Joanne isn’t your name! It damn well is.” Their mother took a step up the stairs.

“It isn’t my name”, Jo pressed out. “Stop calling me Joanne, my name is Jo!”

Their mother rolled her eyes. “Oh, now you’re going to change the subject? This is about you coming home far past your curfew!”

Anger continued building up in Jo’s chest, anger, they wouldn’t be able to control for much longer. “I didn’t change the subject”, they said trying to stay as composed as possible. “You fucking refuse to use my name and I just expect basic human decency”, they emphasized every single word.

“I can do whatever I want to do, Joanne, I’m your mother!” Wrinkles of anger appeared on Angie’s forehead.

“Then fucking act like one”, Jo spat out, turning on their heel and sprinting to their room. They locked it immediately, leaning against it afterward to take a short breath.

“You are going to take your finished project home with you tomorrow, and you’re going to show it to me!”, their mother ordered loudly, her steps sheering off quickly.

And then there was silence.

Jo let out a breath.

Fuck.

The rest of the night they spent working on the project. At about 1 a.m. Bella sent them a message wishing them a good night, to which Jo replied with a slight, tired smile.

_Goodnight, love you_

\---

Limply Jo dragged themself down the stairs. Their mother had already left. They had left their room later than usual, all to avoid running into her. Since they hadn’t slept anyway it didn’t make much of a difference. Creeping to the bathroom to shower and get changed wasn’t much of an obstacle for them. And since they had a few bottles of coke stored in their room they could save the trouble of visiting a store before school. Almost as if their subconscious had already known that something like this was going to happen. Suppressing a yawn Jo grabbed their keys. Leaving the house almost felt like leaving it forever, just like their father had done so many years ago. They should’ve simply done the same. Keeping the music at a low volume so as not to get distracted and crash into someone, Jo fought to keep their eyes open for all of the way to school. At least they spared themself the trouble of doing the project last minute now. And they spared themself the trouble of getting kicked out.

Jo laughed bitterly.

Oh, how true the imagination was.

They hadn’t gotten kicked out yet, but in the past weeks their mother had repeatedly threatened to do it, and somehow Jo didn't doubt that she was serious. Maybe throwing “Dad did the right thing” into Angie’s face hadn’t been the right thing to do after all.

Their first class of the day was Biology. They normally looked forward to it, but today they would be dissecting a kidney which didn’t seem like quite an enjoyable activity considering they were even struggling to keep their eyes open while driving. They normally slept around five hours a night, which wasn’t much but they were fine with it. But for that, they were the epitome of worn out if they only got an hour less. Needless to say, that as soon as Biology class had started, they left most of the cutting up of the kidney to Phoenix, while they stuck to protocolling the process and making sketches of the eventually cut-open organ.

Phoenix awkwardly cracked jokes from time to time, as he always did. He had something for making situations that weren’t even weird anymore weird again. After whatever the thing Jo and Frankie had had had ended, the situation between them had been tense, to say the least. Jo didn’t like to admit it but even looking at Phoenix had been a physical – not even mentioning mental – challenge. It had taken them some time to just bite the bullet and talk to him. Surprisingly they hadn’t even spoken to Frankie at that point. They hadn't even been able to think of Frankie, but somehow making small talk with Phoenix had been the first step in the right direction. Jo had never liked small talk. In their opinion there was no point to it. But maybe it had a point. Maybe its point was to slowly repair broken friendships and form friendships that weren’t there before.

Jo noticed Phoenix holding his breath while dissecting the kidney, as the stench of the organ reached his nose. Jo themself covered their nose with one hand, while Phoenix not so subtly tried to suppress a cough.

“Can’t they perfume this stuff”, Phoenix muttered, letting the scalpel sink deeper into the flesh.

“The school board’s probably too broke to afford the perfume”, Jo deadpanned, filling in the first field on the top of the protocol. “What do the renal pyramids look like?”

“Huh?” Phoenix looked up, holding his shirt in front of his nose.

Jo laughed a little at it, rolling their eyes. “The renal pyramids. What do they look like? It says here to describe their color and if they’re more or less firm or not.”

Phoenix’s eyes wandered from Jo, to the kidney and back to Jo. “You do realize that I haven’t even cut it in half yet, right?” It was only at that that Jo actually looked up from the protocol. Sure enough, Phoenix had only made a few cuts, not even having removed the ureter yet. Impatiently Jo took the scalpel from Phoenix and made a cut. Reaching over the station, to hold the kidney, they removed the ureter and turned the kidney around again, to get a bitter hold of it. "Holy shit, Jo, your hands are shaking, be careful", Phoenix stated, reaching for the scalpel to take it from Jo.

"It's fine", Jo shook off his hand, ignoring how right Phoenix was. Their hands _were_ shaking. They made another cut, turned the kidney around and pressed the scalpel into the flesh. A blazing pain flashed through their finger. They let out a yelp and let the scalpel fall from their hand. "Fuck", they cursed under their breath. They lifted their left hand; blood was practically shooting from their index finger. "Fucking hell", they swore, getting up.

"Holy shit, do you need help?", Phoenix offered standing up, but Jo shook it off, pointing him to sit down again. 

"Just continue dissecting this thing, I'm fine." They walked over to one of the sinks and let ice cold water wash away the blood, a deep cut appearing under it that continued to cover their finger in blood. It stung like hell. They cursed their circulatory, got themself a band-aid from their professor, and sat down on their station again. Skeptically they watched Pheonix as he let the scalpel sink into the kidney once again. “Did you even read the instructions?”, they mused after a fashion, pointing at a piece of paper lying next to the Phoenix that read “Dissection of a kidney” in bold, legible letters on the top. “They exist for a reason.”

“Since when do you care about instructions?”, Phoenix shook it off, making another cut. "Is your finger ok?"

Jo frowned for a moment. Their usual sense for sarcasm betrayed them this time and they turned towards the protocol again, their mind suddenly swirling with pictures and memories of their last encounter with their mom. Couldn’t their dumb brain have failed them then? "Uh, yeah, it is. Thanks for asking", they answered, shaking their head a little at themself.

For the rest of the class, they kept quiet, only casually instructing Phoenix not to cut certain parts of the kidney apart. They held up sarcastic jokes throughout the rest of their lessons until lunchbreak, not feeling just a little joy from cracking them though. They were too overwhelmed by the sudden storm of thoughts that kept building up in their brain and becoming stronger and stronger.

“I think I finally understand what you mean”, Jo muttered at lunch, appetiteless poking their food with a look at Bella. “What you mean when you say the simplest tasks are hard to do and shit.” Bella frowned a little. Before she could open her mouth, though, Jo shook their head. Since when did they want to be pitied by someone? “You don’t have to worry about the French project anymore, by the way, already did that.”

“Isn’t it due until next week?”, Bella inquired frowning.

They were alone at lunch this time. Frankie had gotten sick yesterday afternoon and Phoenix surprisingly enough spent his lunch in the library, studying for a test he would have to take in less than an hour, hadn’t studied for a minute yet, though.

“Yeah, but I had to get Angie off my dick. She was complaining and shit…”, murmured Jo. They pushed their food away, not feeling hungry and stretched their arms, rolling their neck, like a cat that had just woken up from an hour-long nap.

“What was she complaining about?”, Bella frowned.

Jo shook their head. “Nothing. Just… the usual. My grades and shit. Thought it’d be best to get her to leave me alone for some time and kiss her ass. There’s not really anything else I can do”, they yawned. They rested their head on their hands, letting their eyes fall shut.

“Is that why you seem so tired, did you stay up all n-?”

“I couldn’t sleep anyway”, Jo shook it off. They didn’t know what the hell they wanted to prove to themself by pulling this off. They could just be a grown-up about it and tell Bella the truth, it wasn’t embarrassing or anything. Well, maybe being so scared of getting kicked out that they pulled an all-nighter was, but that wasn’t the point. “It’s chill, at least you don’t have to worry about it anymore now.”

“I would’ve worried about it, it’s no big deal”, Bella argued, putting a hand on Jo’s back. “You could’ve just told me to do it.”

“Who cares? It’s done”, answered Jo shrugging. “Besides, it’s not like you actually wanted to do it”, they teased.

Bella let her hand run over Jo’s back. “I mean of course not, but still, I could’ve helped you… Also, what's that on your finger?” She took Jo's hand, letting her fingers run over Jo's finger. The band-aid was already stained from all the blood.

“Biology", Jo shook it off. "It’s ok, Bella. It’s chill.” They opened their eyes for a few seconds and turned their head to smile slightly at their girlfriend. “Don’t worry.”

“The more you repeat that the more worried you make me”, Bella chuckled uncomfortably. She tried to regain her composure and laughed a little to ease the atmosphere. “Are you sure it’s ok?”

“It? Yes. Me? No”, Jo thought. “It’s ok”, they nodded, pulling a bottle of coke from their bag.

\---

Wheezing like a balloon that’s air was slowly forced out of it, Jo let themself fall into their bed. They allowed their eyes to fall shut, ignoring the fact that they shouldn’t be feeling tired after the three bottles of coke they had had. They still had a few minutes before their mother came home from work, so they used them as best as they could: Napping. Well, not quite. Bella had promised to text them as soon as she got home, as always, which gave Jo something to wait for and with that a reason to stay awake.

It was the same as every weekday.

Jo despised it.

Not that they were annoyed by Bella’s texts, they looked forward to them with the same joy and excitement to hear from their wonderful girlfriend every day but something about it… felt off. They were stuck once again, stuck in their thoughts. Nothing changed!

God, Jo couldn’t stand it. It made them crazy.

Right at that moment, someone knocked on their door. Angie opened it without a second of waiting for Jo’s answer, her arms crossed in front of her chest, her purse hanging from her arm. She was still wearing her well-fitting winter coat and the silly-looking hat she only wore when she went to work or church. Or both. “I’m home”, Angie skipped the greeting.

“Really, I thought it’s the ghost of your long-deceased ancestor”, Jo sat up from their bed. “What do you want?”, they immediately went into defense mode.

“How often did I tell you to quit the sarcasm?”

“I don’t know, I stopped counting after my third birthday.” Jo stood up from their bed and crossed their arms in front of their chest. “What do you want?”, they repeated.

Angie pushed a strand of her brown hair out of her face. “I don’t have time for this”, she mumbled to herself. “You know exactly what I want, Joanne! Show me your project, I’m hoping your friend handed it to you.”

“My _friend_ indeed did”, Jo said with feigned relaxation, a smug smile building up on their lips as they handed the printed-out sheets to their mother. “You happy with that?”

Startled their mother took the pages and hectically flipped through them, her eyes widening before immediately shrinking to the leery form of almonds. “You’re glad I’m in a hurry, Joanne, church starts in fifteen minutes. Be glad you dodged the bullet.”

“Dodged the bullet, my ass, I didn’t do anything wrong in the first place!”, Jo defended themself. "What do you even mean?"

"There's no way you wrote all this yourself. It looks too perfect."

Jo gasped for air. “I did everything as you wanted me to. I showed you the project! What the fuck is your problem? You always complain about how I don’t care enough about school and about my grades but then I actually stay out to do something for school and you _still_ shit on me! Is there even any way to gratify your wishes?”

“What’s gotten in you, Joanne? Don’t take that tone with me!” Angie took a step closer to Jo, shoving the stack of papers into their face.

Jo pried the project out of her hands and sarcastically gasped for air. “Oh, I’m sorry oh great one, did I forget to kiss your feet and beg you for forgiveness, oh my lord, now I have to say my beads, so I don’t go to hell.” They shook their head. “God, how could I forget, I’m already there”, they threw into their mother’s face. "You're fucking crazy."

Angie looked at them aghast for a few seconds, struggling for words. “That’s it, you’re grounded… No…” She shook her head. “Get out of my house”, she spat out. “No one speaks about the lord like this under my roof. And even more so about me. When I come home from church, I don’t want to see you here.”

Jo stared at her, then contemptuously shook their head. “Good”, they spat out. “I hope this strengthens your ego and believes and whatever fantasies and lies you seek refuge in.”

“Oh, I am not the one seeking refuge in fantasies, _Joanne_ ”, Angie said smugly. And then she turned around, the door falling shut behind her.

Jo was left standing in the middle of their room, their chest suddenly rising and falling heavily. “Good”, they murmured to themself. “Fine. She doesn’t want me? Fine.” In the flick of a second, they had gotten their second backpack from the top of their closet and threw as many clothes as they could fit into it. They grabbed all the essentials from the bathroom, threw all their school supplies into their second backpack, and made a last look around the room. When there wasn’t anything left, they grabbed their keys, their phone, and headphones and sprinted down the stairs. Their mother had already left, of course. Their knees growing weak they threw themself behind the steering wheel, fired up the engine, and pushed through the gas pedal.

\---

They didn’t trust their own legs when they got out of the car and pulled out their phone. Their heart was beating out of their chest all of a sudden.

“What the fuck”, Jo mumbled nervously, picking up their pace and coming to a stand in front of the front door of the Fox’s house. Bella still hadn’t picked up. Frustrated they shoved their phone back in their pocket, kneading their hands. God, they needed her. They pulled out their phone again to check the time, only to see that it was just five p.m. God, they needed her! They called her again. She didn’t pick up. “Fuck”, they pressed out. Their heartbeat increased.

Desperately they knocked on the door. Their heartbeat increased even further, their hands starting to shake. Not even kneading helped anymore. They rang the doorbell. “What the fuck is happening?”, they whispered. Their backpacks suddenly weighed down heavier on their shoulders. Shifting nervously, they kept ringing the doorbell. “Open the door, come one”, they mumbled. “Come on, please.” A high pitched noise started ringing in their ears.

The door opened, a confused Bella appearing behind it. “What… Jo? What are you doing here?” Her eyes ran up and down Jo’s body, stopping at the bags dangling from their shoulders. Without a second of hesitation, Jo pushed past her, kneading their hands harder. Bella turned around. “Jo, why are you carrying bags with you as if you’re about to skedaddle out of here?” Bella closed the front door, turning around to them.

“Angie threw me out”, Jo pressed out, nervously wiping the sweaty palms of their hands on their pants. “Uh, yeah, turns out shitting on her lord and savior and making fun of her wasn’t exactly the best decision I made so far.” They turned their head, the ringing in their ears suddenly growing louder as everything went black in front of their eyes for the flick of a second. “Do you hear that, too?”, they tried to wave it off as a joke, but Bella seriously shook her head. “Oh, no? Ok, ok, cool.” Jo turned around in a circle, still wiping their hands on their pants. Everything went black again. “What the fuck is happening?”, they pressed out, their breath shortening as their eyes clung onto the laces of their shoes. “She threw me out, holy shit, I have nowhere to go…”, they mumbled under their breath.

“Hey, Jo…” Jo’s gaze shot up, finding Bella’s. “Calm down, it’s ok, you can stay here. You’re fine.” Bella walked over to Jo, reaching out her hands to them. “Calm down, hey, you’re ok.”

“No, I-I’m not, Bella”, Jo shook their head. “By all means of the word _ok_ , I’m not.” Jo gasped for air, their chest tightening. “She threw me out. I have nowhere to go.”

“Come on, let’s go to my room”, Bella said calmly, laying an arm around Jo’s shoulder. The hint of concern in Bella’s voice doubled Jo’s panic. “Let’s go to my room and sit down. You’re going to be ok.”

The ringing in Jo’s ears got louder. “Bella, you don’t understand. I… Oh god.” Jo’s chest tightened and everything went black for a second again. The ringing got louder. “Please tell me you hear that, too, Bella. I’m going fucking crazy here.”

Bella pulled Jo closer. “You’re ok. Come on.” She guided Jo, who kept repeating the same thing under their breath, up to her room, sitting them down on the couch that was just opposite the door. She put her arms around Jo. Jo held onto Bella’s arm that was lying on their chest. “You’re ok, I’ve got you.”

“I have nowhere to go”, Jo pressed out. “I can barely talk.”

“That’s ok”, Bella said silently. “You’re ok, you can stay here.”

“But…”

“No, don’t worry about anything else.” With ease Bella pulled Jo into her lap, closing her arms around them. “Nothing else. I’m here with you, I’ve got you.” Jo’s heartbeat slowed down a little. “I’ve got you”, Bella repeated through the ringing in Jo’s ears, silencing it a little. “Can you hear me breathing?” Jo nodded, not trusting their voice enough to speak again. “Good, now breathe with me.”

Jo hopelessly shook their head. “Won’t work”, they gasped, their voice breaking after the first word.

“It will. Trust me.” Bella took a deep breath. “Hear me? Breathe with me, come on.” Distraught Jo closed their eyes and focused everything they had onto Bella. They took a shaky breath, their chest ached. “It’s ok, you’re here with me. You can stay with me.” Jo took another shaky breath. “You’re doing great, keep going.”

For a short moment, Jo opened their eyes, only to press them shut right away again, and banished the ringing in their ears. Bella’s breathing became clearer.

“You’re here with me”, Bella said in a soothing voice. “You can stay with me.” Bella’s voice became clearer, her arms around Jo, her heartbeat against Jo’s back. Taking a shaky breath Jo opened their eyes. They held onto Bella’s arm a little harder. Sensing that, Bella loosened her grip around Jo, beginning to softly caress their hand. “I’ve got you”, she said in an earnest voice.

Jo kept quiet for the next few minutes, focusing on their breathing. Focusing on Bella’s arms holding them; securing them. “You’ve got me?”, they whispered into the silence that had fallen over the two of them.

“Yes”, Bella reassured them.

Slowly Jo allowed their muscles to release the tension and relaxed a little into Bella. Just a little. “Can I stay here?”, they said, their voice a little closer to its normal tone now. “Please…”

“Of course, you can”, Bella said. “I promise Jo, you can stay as long as you want to.”

“Ok”, Jo murmured, reassuring themself that there was no need to panic anymore. That they were ok. “Ok”, they repeated. “W-what was that? I… I couldn’t breathe and…” Their voice died away. Bella loosened her grip and Jo slid from her lap. They immediately leaned their head against Bella’s shoulder, their hand searching for Bella’s and embracing it, as soon as it had found it. Unknowingly Jo curled into Bella’s side, too scared that what they had just experienced would happen again.

“It was probably a panic attack”, Bella explained.

“How do you know?”, Jo asked, their voice still quieter than usual.

“I used to get them, too”, Bella continued to explain. “After the party…” Her voice died away for a second before she continued again. “After everything happened… every time I saw him in the halls, I suddenly couldn’t breathe and my chest tightened and I hid in a bathroom stall, so no one would hear me. And I’d get nightmares and wake up deep into a panic attack.” She shook her head, returning her attention to Jo. “But I got through it. I taught myself tactics and how to cope with it. And now you’ve got me.”

Jo sat up a little. “Bella, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…”, they breathed out, but Bella shook it off with a headshake.

“It’s ok, how could you? The point is that you’re not alone. And that I’ve got you.” She lay an arm around Jo, squeezing their hand a little. “You can stay as long as you want to. And you can talk about your mom to me and about everything else on your mind.”

Jo let go of a breath. “Thank you.” Incredible exhaustion overwhelmed them, their limbs feeling heavy and powerless. 

“That’s what I’m here for", Bella answered silently. Jo didn’t notice the bitter smile building up on Bella’s lips, as they cuddled into her, holding onto her hand for dear life. No one did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoo tysm for reading, it's highly appreciated!! prepare for angst and the spark of the idea that will set loose the madnessTM in the next chapter. i'll read you next time!


	3. Only you in the car

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: weed

The day passed by in an odd way. Odd for both Bella and Jo. Both of them were trying to take their minds off things, Bella occasionally trying to talk to Jo, who was lying on the sofa, their nose buried in a Psychology book. They couldn’t even feign being interested in the passage they were reading over and over, their mind laying a carpet over the words that made them unintelligible. They tried their best not to think of Angie coming home. Tried their best not to think of the smug smile that would pull up on her lips when she realized that the house was actually empty. For now, they were safe, but god, what would they even do when Bella’s parents came home again? They couldn’t stay at Bella’s forever! 

They shook their head, bringing their attention back to the educational methods that were described on page 194.

_Consequences always must refer to the child’s behavior and not their personality._

Jo sighed and let the book fall on their face, closing their eyes. Why were they even trying to trick themself into studying? They couldn’t deny that what had happened gnawed away at them anyways. Groaning they turned over cuddling into the couch’s cushions.

“Everything ok?”, Bella shot them a concerned look.

Jo nodded into the cushions, turning back around. “Yeah”, they mumbled, picking up the book again. Their phone weighed down heavily in their pocket. Little did they hope for some sign from their mother. For a text message or a call or something! Even if it was just her telling them that she was happy that they were gone! Then it wouldn’t feel like they were floating on an ocean of uncertainty anymore. What if both of them had just overreacted and Angie hadn’t even wanted Jo to leave but told them to because she hadn’t thought about what she was saying? What if she hated them? Jo dug their fingernails into their arms, flinching a little. For a split second the thoughts stopped.

“I’m just pissed off by Psychology", they answered Bella. "When would I ever have to know stuff like that?” They didn’t sound very convincing.

“You could’ve just chosen another class, you know?”, Bella winked.

“If this is your way of making me wanna take the class it’s not working”, Jo deadpanned. “What even is this supposed to mean?” They turned a page searching for the line. “There. _Children see their parents as role models. They will always try to imitate them. That’s why a good parent-child relationship is essential for the wellbeing of the child._ ” Their voice got quieter as they continued reading. Granted, this wasn’t the best distraction from their current problem. “What kind of bullshit is this?”, Jo mumbled, their voice dying away.

It felt strange. When they tried to say something again, their voice got caught in their throat. Swallowing hard they put the book down, pushing back tears. They felt Bella’s gaze resting on them. Without looking at her they knew that she was shooting them a pitying look. It felt like a punch in the gut. It wasn’t enough that they were doing miserable, no, they were even more miserable at hiding it!

They pulled out their phone, absentmindedly staring at their propped up legs. From the corner of their eye, the lock screen greeted them, and an unsettling feeling filled Jo’s chest again. Not a single message. God, what had they even been expecting? Despondently they let their phone fall and closed their eyes. Distrait they started peeling off the band-aid from earlier that day, and nervously started scratching at the barely healed cut. They didn’t make another attempt at saying something.

Somehow the glass of water Bella had gotten them when going to the kitchen to grab snacks was the one thing they decided to hold on to. Taking a sip from it every two minutes or so suddenly was the most comforting activity they had ever carried out.

Jo and Bella went to sleep in silence, only wishing each other a good night and kissing each other good night. Jo secretly longed for Bella to hold them in her arms, but when they wanted to ask her for it the words got caught in their throat.

“What is it, Jo?”, Bella asked, cuddling into her blankets.

Jo just shook their head and made a dismissive hand gesture, closing their eyes. They rolled up on the couch, pulling their knees close to their chest as soon as Bella had turned off the lights.

Their mind spun in circles.

The more tired they got the more awake their mind was. Restlessly they threw themself from side to side, shifting under the blanket, getting rid of it until they were freezing and then having to put it over themself again, turning their pillow around and sighing into it. Even though Bella was sleeping only feet away from them, they felt lonelier than ever.

It felt like hours had gone by when they got up, tiptoed to their bag, and pulled a small plastic bag that no one knew they even had out of it, fumbled for a lighter that they hid in their jeans and grabbed their jacket. They crept down the stairs and sat down on the front porch of the Fox’s house. A cold wind whipped by their face and they shivered.

Shaking their head, they opened the bag, pulled out the already rolled joint, and lit it. The familiar scent immediately flooded their mind with positive memories. Even if they were just of them smoking in a park at night, they were all they needed to clear their mind. They took a hit and leaned back against the cold wall, wrapping their arm around their torso to warm themself. It was all too easy when they blew out smoke through their mouth and nose and that familiar feeling settled in. A few more hits and suddenly everything was washed from their brain, at least for a few seconds.

They remembered the first time they had smoked. Ironically enough they had hidden in a toilet stall because they wanted to skip health class and an odd smell had reached their nose from the stall next to them. They recognized it from the park they sometimes passed by on evening or night walks they only took when they had gotten in a fight with Angie. Needless to mention that they had gotten in a fight the previous night and Jo felt more than shitty after their mother had repeatedly thrown their dead name at them and misgendered them.

They knocked on the wall separating the toilet stalls. “Hey, you think you can spare some… of that stuff?”, their voice trembled a little.

“Huh?”, answered the person in the stall. “Weed?”

“Yeah”, Jo answered silently. They searched their bag for their wallet and counted the money they had left. “How much do you want?”

There were a few seconds of silence before a hand holding an already rolled joint popped up between the space of the floor and the wall. “Take it, you sound like you need it. Need a lighter?”

Jo hesitated for a second but shook their head and reached down to take the joint. “Thanks”, they murmured. “Appreciate it. And no, I have a lighter, thanks for asking, though.” They pulled out the lighter they occasionally played with to take their mind off things and lit the promising roll. They took a hit and to their own surprise didn’t start coughing. They had smoked cigarettes before but had never quite gotten into it. But this felt different, somehow.

Shortly after they had exchanged phone numbers with the person in the stall next to them – Quinn – as they later found out, and meeting up in a park or behind town hall had established itself into their routine. They would’ve never thought that they would become friends with Quinn, but now that they were smoking again for the first time in a month, they found themself thinking of her again. Smoking while sitting on a fucked-up swing set at night or in Quinn’s basement had had a weirdly relaxing impact on them. Exactly that impact they were starting to notice now.

The front door creaked next to them and Jo’s head spun around.

“Jo?”, Bella asked. She wrapped her arms around her torso, shivering since she was only wearing her pajamas and took a step outside. “Jo, what are you doing?”

Jo’s gaze dropped to the joint in their fingers. “Uhm…”, they answered lamely. “Ugh, you know what I’m doing. Not much sense in denying it now.”

“I didn’t know you…”

“Smoked dope?”, Jo finished Bella’s sentence. “Why would you? I don’t brag about it and never mentioned it in front of you.” Their voice sounded way more relaxed than they were probably feeling. Jo took a hit and blew the smoke out through their nose. “Listen, you can go back inside if you want to, I’ll be right back.”

“Do you smoke often?”, Bella asked, closing the door behind herself and sitting down next to Jo.

Jo shrugged. “Depends.” Shooting Bella a look from the corners of their eyes they took the joint between their teeth and took off their jacket. “You’re freezing”, they murmured caringly and draped it over her shoulders.

“Depends on what? And where do you even get that stuff?” Bella pulled the jacket down on their shoulders, wrapping her arms around herself again.

“Uh, it’s… it’s not important, don’t worry about it.” Jo leaned back and closed their eyes for a few seconds. “Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to find out and get mad.”

“I’m not mad”, Bella clarified, staring down at her bare feet. Jo didn’t judge her for not searching eye contact, they probably wouldn’t do so, as well, if they found out, that their significant other had been smoking weed for who knows how long. “No, it’s not that. I’m just… I don’t know. Surprised? Intrigued?”

Jo chuckled a little. “Intrigued? Why that?”

“I don’t know, what else am I supposed to say? I mean, sure, I’m kind of overwhelmed but it’s your decision, and I don’t want to tell you how to live your life.” Bella looked up at Jo and shrugged. “Sure, it’s stupid, and harmful to your health but if you want to do it that’s on you.” She smiled softly at Jo.

A small smile pulled up on Jo’s lips. “You have no idea how much I needed this right now.” Cautiously they reached for Bella’s hand.

Bella didn’t pull back, instead, she reached for Jo’s hand and entwined her fingers with theirs. “It’s ok. Besides, it’d be pretty paradoxical if _I_ judged you for your bad habits.”

“What do you mean?” Interested Jo looked into Bella’s eyes, squeezing her hand a little. “Do you pull shit like this, too? Do you sell coke on the side or something”, they tried to joke. They felt Bella tensing up next to them, her gaze dropped down again and she started picking at her bottom lip. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to- you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I’m sorry", Jo immediately apologized.

“No, it-it’s ok”, Bella murmured, forcing a smile on her lips. “It’s fine. Let’s just say, I made some hella stupid decisions after… you know.”

Jo nodded slightly. “It’s ok, you don’t have to keep talking if you don’t want to.” The joint in their hand was long forgotten, as they let go of Bella’s hand to carefully lie their arm on Bella’s shoulders. Bella let them, cuddling into their side a little. She groped for Jo’s hand and interlaced her fingers with theirs, pressing a short kiss to their knuckles.

“It’s fine”, Bella smiled sadly. “Don’t worry about it.”

“I will worry”, Jo stated, chuckling a little. “It’s my job to worry about you, I don’t want anything happening to you.” Jo pulled her a little closer and kissed her on the cheek.

“And I don’t want anything to happen to you”, Bella murmured. She rested her head on Jo’s shoulder and hummed contently.

Only now did Jo resume smoking, quietly taking a hit, blowing it out of their nose, and leaning their head against Bella’s. “You want to…?”, they offered, presenting the roll to Bella. She shook her head, declining with a weak smile. They sat there in silence until Jo finished the joint and put it out. Then Bella cuddled more into Jo’s side and closed her eyes. Jo let go of a breath. They tried to remind themself of the freeing feeling and embraced it.

Bella grounded them, keeping them out of their head.

“You ever feel like you’re stuck?”, Bella asked suddenly, turning her head to look at Jo. “Like you’re just reliving the same day in different outfits?”

“Always”, Jo answered without even thinking. “Every fucking day of my goddamn life.” They turned their head to look at Bella. “You?”, they asked with a bop of their head.

Bella chuckled a little. “Would I have asked if I didn’t?” She shook her head. “Yeah, I do”, she admitted. “Like, constantly. Sometimes I just want to take my stuff and… go, you know?”

Jo leaned their head against Bella’s. „We could just do it, you know?”, they murmured, enticing their hand with hers. “Run away.”

“You’re crazy”, Bella murmured.

“Why?”, Jo asked. “We’ll graduate soon and then… what else are we supposed to do? Get a job? Go to college?”

Bella sighed, turning her head again to face Jo. “Our graduation is months away. And getting a job is what high schoolers usually do”, she stated sarcastically, pecking Jo’s nose, who scrunched it up in response. “We can’t just… tell everyone goodbye and drive off with a “Fuck you”.”

“But why?”, asked Jo, a hint of excitement hushing through their voice. “We could just… pack our stuff, get in the car, and… let’s go. Be free for once. Get away from all that fuckery. Our families, everyone at school, we’ll just go.” A fire of passion started to gloom in their eyes.

“Be free”, Bella finished Jo’s sentence. “This sounds too much like a dream to come true. We could never…”

“We could”, Jo interrupted enthusiastically. “We could do it. I have a car, a little money. We can sleep in the car, drive wherever the road takes us. Live for once.”

Jo thought they were fucked anyway. As soon as Bella's parents would come home they'd have to live in their car. So, why not drive away? Why not screw everything. Then _their_ life wouldn't be the only one that was completely screwed over at least.

“How much did you smoke?” Bella pulled away from Jo a little. “That’s mad…”

Jo shrugged. “So, what? Let's be mad, Bella. If someone can do it then it’s us.” Jo leaned back again, letting go of a breath. “Let’s be mad, Bella”, they repeated.

* * *

Bella stared into Jo’s eyes. The streetlights made them sparkle a little in the most enticing and magical way. She settled back into them, forcing her thoughts elsewhere and enticing her fingers with Jo’s. She silenced, feeling their hand in hers. If they held onto each other they could go anywhere. They could be free and just run and feel and be free. They could do so much. But...

“Do you want to go inside? Watch a movie or something?”, Bella asked silently. Jo didn’t answer. Their gaze rested on her. Uncomfortably shifting Bella tried relaxing into Jo. Jo had stiffened up, though, their arm no longer lying as easily around Bella’s shoulders as before. “Come on, let’s go inside”, Bella murmured.

She pulled back and stood up, Jo’s arm slipping from her shoulders. Bella pulled them up, and Jo silently followed her inside, taking their jacket from Bella’s shoulders. Bella thanked them with a kiss to the cheek. Jo fell on the couch in Bella’s room and leaned back.

Forcing her thoughts into a cage Bella got her laptop from her desk, sat down next to Jo, and pulled up a streaming service online, turning on the ad blocker. “What do you want to watch?”

“Dunno”, Jo said unenthusiastically. Bella sensed that Jo had only gotten into their vision of running away, sensed their disappointment. But she took this moment to be selfish. For once. “Is there something I won’t fall asleep to?”, Jo added sarcastically.

Bella rolled her eyes at them, not failing to notice the disinterest in their voice that resembled exactly what she felt like right now but wouldn’t let Jo see. She pulled up an action movie from the 90s, leaning back into Jo’s arms. Jo let them lay easily around her again, resting their chin on her shoulder. A few minutes into the movie their head fell a little to the side and came to a rest at Bella’s cheek, Jo’s warm breath coming out of their nose tickling her a little. Bella ran a thumb over Jo’s hand, before embracing it again.

“We could do it”, Jo mumbled. “You know we could do it, Bella.”

Bella didn’t respond. Her mind wandered. To endless roads and deserted areas and a sunset where every minute of watching it was a new adventure. To visiting cities without even knowing why or what to do there or how to live or eat or where to sleep. To endlessness. To freedom. To driving for the sake of driving.

She wanted to be mad.

But Jo had already drifted off, their arms still lazily wrapped around her and holding her.

Bella shook her head slightly, shaking herself out of the illusion. Dreams didn’t become true. There was no sense in dreaming them. She leaned back into Jo, closing the tab with the movie, then her laptop, and then tried to relax into her significant other.

She’d be lying if she said she didn’t notice Jo sneaking out two more times this night.

And she'd be lying if she said that her mind wasn't brimming with the word "mad" for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jo is a stoner and i will die on that hill solely because. also: referencessss, who can spot the referencessss- tysm for reading and i'll read you next time!


End file.
